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  Simon did not wonder about that, though, so maybe he was right to have wanted them awaiting your return elsewhere. I hope you're not put out with him, sir, I convinced him to let them in. The lady was very obviously with child and close to her time I gathered, she looked very tired. Simon led them to the little pink sitting-room to wait, and the gentleman couldn't stop admiring everything, as if Simon were the master here. Though I admit he looks very regal in his livery. I hope I did well, sir, I know Simon has been with the family much longer but he is not used to being in charge of the whole house, Mrs Annesley usually makes those decisions.'

  Fitzwilliam looked at Elizabeth in wonder, and she must indeed mirror his expression: a pregnant lady and a gentleman in Lady Catherine's chaise?

  Dressed plainly? Stunned by the house and paying excessive compliments?

  'It cannot be your cousin, can it? And your friend, Mrs Collins?'

  Elizabeth's heart nearly failed her, Charlotte and Mr Collins, in their pleasant, elegant town house? Instantly remembering the lively scene at the dance at Netherfield, when her cousin introduced himself to arrogant Mr Darcy, she

  could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks in shame, then drain away totally at the realisation there were no other people known to Lady Catherine who could claim hospitality from Elizabeth, though of course Fitzwilliam had plenty of connections in common with his aunt. But with a sinking feeling she just knew, with absolute certainty, who their unannounced guests were.

  'Elizabeth, my lovely, don't take it so hard, please! I'm not a self-important prig anymore, remember? I'll bear with him, I'll tease him as Mr Bennet does, and besides, we have Manners now. Imagine the two of them together. Come here, my love.'

  Before she knew it she was in his arms.

  'He is your cousin, you know. Since I have the most obnoxious aunt currently in existence, it's no more than fair that you should have some silly relatives to compensate. Let's go in and receive them, see what they want. I suppose my aunt sent them over to spy on my cousin, and I propose we give her what she wants. We'll feed your cousin a load of information he won't dare to pass on to aunt Catherine, then sit back and enjoy. Let us men handle your cousin, Elizabeth, you just make sure your friend has a nice time, she has undoubtedly suffered a lot of inconvenience travelling in her state, all to obey aunt Catherine, she deserves some compensation, don't you think?'

  Well, if Fitzwilliam didn't mind a visit from Elizabeth's cousin, who was she to object? Mr Collins was family after all, and Fitzwilliam was right, Charlotte would have suffered enough about this, better give her a warm welcome instead of making her feel even worse.

  The others had arrived by now and approached them, Georgiana asking with some concern, 'You aren't ill, Elizabeth, are you?'

  'No, I'm quite well, it's just that Lady Catherine has sent some spies to keep an eye on Miss de Bourgh and they happen to be related to me, so they can claim hospitality from us. Let us go meet them then, Fitzwilliam.'

  As Manners, Georgiana and Eric went in, the latter two undoubtedly straight towards a piano to make up for lost time, Fitzwilliam addressed Johnson.

  'You did well, Johnson, to advise Simon to allow these visitors entrance to our home instead of turning them away. I know why Simon must have deemed it more sensible not to let hem in, but I hope we will always be hospitable to our friends and relatives. Mind you, not just those with expensive equipages. You were right to be hospitable, and Simon was right to restrict their access to our private quarters. I find it very heartening to see my staff working together as a team, thank you. Oh and Johnson..'

  'Yes, master?'

  'I would very much like to keep the presence of these visitors a little quiet. I trust you will not mention them to anyone.'

  'Of course, master. Simon says the ability to keep one's mouth shut is the most important quality in a servant of a great house. I will take his advice to heart, sir, as I will yours to treat everyone politely, no matter their rank.

  Thank you, master.'

  Well, maybe they could hold onto him after all, he seemed to be growing into his position rather nicely.

  Knowing Elizabeth's reluctance, Darcy entered the little confidence room ahead of her and without knocking first. It was his house, after all. Simon's doubts about letting them into the house seemed legitimate, since Mr Collins grovelled even more than usual, as if he felt caught at doing something improper.

  'Mr Darcy, sir, a thousand excuses cannot express my intense regret at having to disturb you and my fair cousin in your truly magnificent city abode.'

  He had indeed gotten chubby, as had Mrs Collins, but of course she was in the last stages of a pregnancy, Mr Collins didn't have that excuse. Elizabeth's cousin seemed the last person to choose when looking for a spy, he was so incredibly conspicuous with his constant bowing and scraping, though his facial features were indeed perfectly bland. But if Mr Bennet could find enjoyment in his company, Darcy would, too. It was just a matter of perspective after all. Offering the round-cheeked fellow his hand in greeting, he spoke with the superior attitude Mr Collins expected of the gentry.

  'Mr Collins, such an unexpected pleasure to see you in town! You must have travelled in style, for my butler recognised your carriage as my aunt Catherine's equipage. I suppose you have an errand of hers to fulfil?'

  Better let him know secrecy was of no avail, and now Darcy was starting to understand his father-in-law, it was so gratifying to be able to totally bewilder this pompous piece of humankind.

  'Your butler? Lady Catherine's errand?'

  Yes, servants were people, too. They had eyes, and intelligence, and they knew things. They could recognise a carriage and tell their master about it.

  'We can discuss Lady Catherine's errand later. First let's find you a room, or possibly two single rooms, I suppose a clergyman like you needs a private space for undisturbed contemplations. You must be tired with your journey, especially Mrs Collins. Have you dined already?'

  'Oh yes, Mr Darcy, or may I call you cousin Darcy now, since we're related?'

  'Mr Darcy will do just fine, Mr Collins. You wouldn't want me to call you cousin Collins, now would you? That wouldn't be dignified at all for a man of the cloth. So you did have dinner?'

  'You are so right, Mr Darcy, it wouldn't be dignified at all. Your remarkable intelligence is truly a unique trait of your excellent family! We didn't have dinner exactly, sir, your servant, the young man who showed us to this room, I didn't quite get his place in your household but a very polite man he was, he told us al kinds of interesting facts about the family history and the building itself. Well, that servant brought us some cold meat and bread.

  'To tide you over to supper' he said.

  You know your livery resembles that of Rosings so very much, that at first I said to dear Charlotte, Charlotte, I said, isn't it as if we were at Rosings, except a smaller version of it? Of course your furniture looks different somehow, and your panelling and the flooring, too. But the livery looks just like that of Rosings, white and gold.'

  Right. Of course Mr Bennet had lived with the worst kind of foolishness for years, he must be used to it to some extent. Darcy had only experienced Mr Collins that one time at the Netherfield ball. Maybe Elizabeth was right, maybe this surprise visit would throw a little pallor on their elegant family party. But Mrs Collins could not be far from her confinement, she was huge, and obviously suffering for it. It had to be a strapping baby in there, maybe even two. Two little Mr Collinses. Elizabeth's cousin could not possibly have a first name, he had to have been born and christened Mr Collins.

  Meanwhile, Elizabeth had taken charge of poor Charlotte, she should not have been travelling at all this close to her confinement. Not that Elizabeth believed in separating mothers-to-be from society, let anyone try to do that to her once she was in this stage. Oh please let it take years before she ever got there, Charlotte looked as awful as Elizabeth had always imagined being with child to be. Fat body, puffed-up red face, stringy hair, her dress too narrow on all sides, and so incredibly tired she was not even ashamed of Mr Collins'

  obsequiousness towards her friend's husband. Would it be very bad to hope to stay barren? Fitzwilliam had not married her to breed an heir, though he said he loved children. Elizabeth liked children well enough, her nephews and nieces were precious, had aunt Gardiner looked this awful just before her

  time? Though Elizabeth must have seen her with child she could not for the life of her remember or even imagine trim, perfectly groomed aunt Gardiner with stringy hair and popping seams. There had to be a measure of negligence on Charlotte's side, too, she didn't have a personal maid after all, nor enough staff to take care of all the domestic duties in the parsonage. She had probably been working too hard even before this trip.

  'I'm so sorry, Eliza, to impose on you. Lady Catherine insisted on Mr Collins'

  going and I couldn't stop him, I'm just too tired to argue, so I opted to accompany him instead. But I'm afraid I made a grave mistake, I feel awful.

  Did I just hear Mr Darcy offer us two rooms? Can you please make sure I get my own room, dear Eliza? Far from Mr Collins'? We have never shared a room, it's hard enough to get some sleep as it is.'

  'Of course, dear Charlotte, and please don't feel like you're imposing on us.

  Fitzwilliam has promised to take Mr Collins under his wings so that I can spoil you. Will you feel better after a quiet night? Maybe a bath first?'

  'I don't dare to bathe anymore, Eliza, I've lost my balance several times. If I fall I might hurt the baby, and I'm looking forward to my little son or daughter so very much. It'll be such a blessing to have a tiny life to care for, with wee little hands and feet, and sweet innocent smiles. We'll have such a good time together!'

  A tiny life to care for? A sweet and innocent baby? That was true, babies were cute, even Mr Collins' baby would be sweet, babies were supposed to be round and chubby. Imagine what Fitzwilliam's baby would look like.... That wasn't easy at all! What did he look like when he was a boy? Mrs Reynolds called him a sweet, good natured boy, but he couldn't have looked at all like what he was now, a tall, handsome man with an athletic figure.

  'I'm sorry, Charlotte, I'm keeping you on your feet when you should be resting. I have a very sweet, very capable maid, who I'm sure will be very pleased to help you take a nice, hot bath safely. Fanny will baby you as you deserve, driving in a carriage for hours in your condition, to spy for Lady Catherine. Great lady or not, she ought to be ashamed of herself.

  But not you, Charlotte, we'll spoil you rotten before you go back, if you are up to some shopping, eating pie and going out in the evening. We go out almost every night, our new brother is playing concerts all over town and we need to chaperone Miss Darcy until they are well and truly married. Now, let me introduce you to our friends and we'll have some supper, and after that your bath will be ready and a comfortable chamber. I'll tell Fanny to take

  extra care of you, which she loves to do. You just come with me and let the gentlemen handle Mr Collins.'

  Well, Charlotte clearly had not expected such a reception, and Elizabeth was glad Fitzwilliam had taken everything in stride instead of making a thing out of it. Poor Charlotte at least was thankful for it.

  'Yes, please, Eliza, I'd like to eat a little, talk a little, and a bath would be like heaven. You have such a beautiful house. You know I did think Mr Darcy admired you when you visited us, but you always denied that so decidedly.

  I'm glad I was right, he's such a handsome man. And kind, too. Look at him talking to Mr Collins, he's just the perfect host.'

  Fortunately Charlotte walked to the drawing-room easily enough, and Elizabeth directed her to the most comfortable sofa. After their introduction, Manners immediately started a friendly conversation, and soft piano music from Eric and Georgiana finished the picture of domestic bliss. Elizabeth left Charlotte to Manners for a few moments, to ring for Simon and ask him to have a bedroom and a bath prepared for her friend Charlotte.

  'She need not be lodged near her husband, Simon, just make sure she has a chamberpot where she can reach it easily. And I suppose you were going to keep an eye on him anyway?'

  'I was, ma'am. As soon as I recognised the livery and the equipage I knew they were sent to spy on Miss the Bourgh. I'm sorry I wanted to turn them away, Mrs Darcy, I didn't know Mrs Collins was with child. Frankly, I feel a bit like those innkeepers in the Bible, though I suppose Lady Catherine de Bourgh's carriage is to be preferred over the bony back of a donkey any day.

  I'm glad Johnson intervened.'

  'Don't feel bad, Simon, he didn't want to let them in out of kindness, he was merely afraid to insult someone who could afford an equipage like that. We're just glad you're taking advice from each other, and especially Johnson from you. It's such a bother to have to hire new staff.'

  Simon smiled fondly at his mistress, he still didn't know his place, but he was going to leave them soon and she would miss him terribly. Not just for his extraordinary skills, but also for himself.

  'Your friend will be in the best hands, Mrs Darcy. Is he truly your cousin? A relative of your father's?'

  It was hard to acknowledge, but unfortunately true nonetheless.

  'He is. It's hard to understand why my friend married him, in full possession of her wits, but she did. But she just told me she's looking forward very much

  to having the baby. It'll keep her occupied for the next ten years, poor Charlotte. Please be very kind to her, and keep an eye on him, and we'll all survive. Probably. Though I'm glad Fitzwilliam keeps his rifles at Pemberley and not here.'

  'Mr Manners will help to keep him entertained. He likes to study human behaviour, he'll be thrilled to meet Mr Collins. I bet Mr Bennet enjoys having him around.'

  Elizabeth wondered whether Simon ever mistakenly referred to his lover by his first name when in public but she guessed not, he was such a careful man.

  'You are so right. My father considers his nephew one huge joke, I suppose especially now Jane, Kitty and I are married well. Before that he must have been slightly worried about the entail, Mr Collins could have thrown us out on the day my father died. A fine landlord he'll make for my father's tenants.'

  'Then let us hope your friend presents her husband with a fine, smart boy, and protects him from his father's indoctrination in humility and servility. Do not worry a bit, ma'am, Fanny will spoil your friend and keep her baby safe, she has seen her mother with child countless times and knows what to do.'

  Chapter 3

  Fortunately, Mr Collins was not used to a household where the piano was used all day long and life just went on around it. To him, music was an almost religious attainment, something to listen to in respectful silence, which spared them the sound of his voice until he finally realised that the rest of them just chatted on, ignoring the lovely sounds emerging from Georgiana's beautiful instrument.

  Darcy guessed this was the piece Fielding was studying to play at the Renaissance meeting, for it was like nothing he had ever heard before. It was pleasant to listen to after having been forced to hear out Mr Collins for nearly an hour, making excuses for his presence, admitting to having been sent by Lady Catherine to spy on her daughter, imagining her anger at having her clever ruse seen through before they had reached their destiny for more than an hour.

  Though Darcy soon found his talent to ignore incessantly repeating sounds coming to his aid. Apparently this unique talent of his did not just filter out piano practice, it also helped him to no longer hear Mr Collins' prattle. He didn't even acknowledge Mr Collins' presence, and the man never noticed he was being ignored. Good, it would make the coming weeks easier to bear.

  And maybe they would be able to foist him off on Jane and Bingley after a week or so. Though that would be hard on Mrs Collins, she should not be visiting anyone at all in her state, she should be at home, knitting little garments and dreaming beautiful dreams of motherhood. Oh well, being here with Elizabeth wouldn't do her much harm, life was probably easier here, she must have duties at home, they most likely had a very basic staff at the parsonage.

  For now she was sitting in a cosy corner with Elizabeth, no doubt catching up on months of news. Manners was ready to chat with their male visitor but did not want to disturb that one's enjoyment of truly superior playing, something Darcy realised might not be mere politeness after all, but the very first sign of cultural refinement he had ever seen in Mr Collins.

  And in the first moment of silence Mr Collins did prove he had some higher feelings. He addressed Manners, to whom he had been introduced but only briefly, since the music silenced him almost immediately after entering the drawing-room.

  'My good and noble sir, please do not think I do not have the highest respect for your fine person and your exalted family, for I do. But I have truly not ever heard music the likes of this before, the tones are so clear and so sweet, it's like a preconception on Heaven. I read about Mr Darcy's patronage in my own patroness' newspaper. My patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, she is Mr Darcy's aunt you know, always allows me to read her newspaper when she and her adoring daughter, Miss Anne de Bourgh, are finished with it.

  But my good sir, Mr Manners, little did I expect to hear such superiority of execution, such taste in the choice of material. If you'll excuse me my neglect towards you I must have my cousin Mr Darcy introduce me to this master. I so want to tell him how much I admire his playing, before another minute has passed.'

  Manners was not insulted of course but rather excessively diverted. He loved peculiarities as much as Mr Bennet, he was as easily bored as Darcy's father-in-law and seemed to have a similar taste in entertainment, though Manners was a lot more diplomatic with people who bored him. Nonetheless he managed to keep a straight face as he observed, 'By all means, Mr Collins, do get acquainted with Mr Fielding and Miss Darcy, better make it quick or they will start another piece.'